I'm okay. I have a lot of things I'm nervous about right now, though to be honest that isn't exactly unusual.
I recently reconnected with an ex. And it's been going alarmingly well. He seems really genuine when he says that he wants to do right by me this time around, but of course I'm still not sure that we really want the same things out of life - as such I'm not sure that we really have a long-term future together. And I'm just not sure that the feelings are the same on my end. I don't feel the affection swelling up inside me as I did the first time. But maybe that's a good thing because I won't get carried away with it? Even so I'm unsure about the whole thing. Least of all myself - because it feels so good to be around him again that I'm having a hard time trusting myself. Does it feel good because it's him? Or does it feel good because it's someone?
I'm trying not to analyze it to death and just experience it for what it is. But I also don't want to go back to just coasting again. Which brings me to the next item - it's my birthday next week. I'll be 23. If I had stayed on track with my education, I would have a bachelor's degree by now. Maybe not a very useful one, but a degree nonetheless. Instead, here I am about to leave my job at a hotel to go back to waiting tables, because I'd make more money there and I'm losing my mind working in an office. I want to go back to school, but I just get so tired. And even as I think about how tired I really am, I realize that is exactly how a person gets stuck. And I'm terrified of getting stuck.
So here's what I'm going to do. My last day at my current job is the 30th. At that point, I'm going to take a break from working for a couple of weeks. Clear my head. Orient myself. Then I'm going to work my ass off for the last couple of weeks in June to pay off my car. After that I'm going to continue working my ass off to save up so I can go travel, before I have any real obligations to tether me to any location. Once I get back, hopefully I'll have a clearer sense of what direction I want my life to go in and what I desire for myself. And I'll get started working on that.
That's my plan. Hopefully life doesn't totally knock me on my ass between now and the time that I bring it to fruition.