How are you, actually?

I spend most of my time off work getting drunk/high and sitting in front of my tv. I feel too anxious to enjoy going out and doing anything, my self worth/self esteem are in the gutter and im avoiding my friends/family. But i still go to work every day so im functioning i just literally dont want to do anything but hole up in my apartment. I know drinking every night is bad for me but its what helps me relax and i think i enjoy the self destruction just a little bit. I feel alright for the most part just a little apathetic but im tired of being emo lmao im 20 years old it feels childish like i should have figured out what to do but my social life is worse now than its ever been. Starting therapy next week so hopefully this goes better than the first time because my life is going to suck if i cant figure this out

/r/AskReddit Thread