A girl I used to manage at work was persistent in working her way into my life. We became friends. Then kissed. Then did other things she had never done with anyone before. I fell hopelessly in love and she acted as though she was too.
She always said she didn't want anything to get too serious but the way things were moving and the way she was acting... I got in trouble for not celebrating our 6 months since we "hooked up" (we weren't actually dating) and I almost got into trouble for not having anything planned for valentine's day. Saved that by hustling for two days straight and building her a gazebo with fairy lights and rose petals and a romantic candlelight dinner. Etc.
She was supposed to be mine. And I hers. We were supposed to go through all of life's ups and downs with her overabundance of confidence and determination and my calmness and laid back demeanor. We complimented eachother completely.
After date night one night she sat up after the deed and said she couldn't lead me on anymore. I am beyond perfect for her in every single way and I am perfect. But now is not the time. And there may never be a time. But maybe in a few years the doubts will no longer be there and we can revisit this relationship.
Everyone around me and everything in me tells me she took me for a ride. But she is adamant that that is not what this is. She still calls me every single day. Messages me every hour on the hour. And no matter how many mental breakdowns I have about this situation she is determined to help me through it and not let me cut her from my life. It seems very genuine in that regard.
And she says there is literally no other reason. None of this makes sense to me. One hour I'm ready to cut her off completely, the next I need her with me always. I think I'd be okay if I knew the real reason why, if there was one. But the doubt and uncertainty of why she would end what we had just won't give me any peace.
She was the only one who ever understood me. The only one who felt like home. I have felt alone my entire life. I got bullied to the point of serious depression in school and I'm in a very awkward spot where I'm between generations in my big wog family. I don't associate with the elders and I don't fawn over 1 direction like the young ones. She was all that made me ever feel like I fit in.
And now I settle back into the familiarity of being alone. And I feel it so much more now than I ever did.