How are you feeling today?

Pretty good, actually. Tired though because on Monday I accepted that I was going to kill myself.

I wrote a suicide note before, I had a plan and time, I experienced the sensation of total acceptance in that I was seeing things for the final time. I happened to have therapy that day, and I had the note on me (I had been re-reading it constantly, and every time it felt right). Then something inside of me made me take the letter out of my bag and hand it to her. We talked, and decided I should check myself into a psych ward. However, I knew if I left her office alone I wouldn't go through with it, I was that dead set on dying- it was that long coming.

So she called the police and had them escort me to the ER, stand behind me as I admitted myself, and only left once I was officially taken in.

I spent until yesterday there, surrounded by some of then nicest nurses I've ever met. Tuesday was bizarre because I was so prepared to die the day before that seeing Tuesday's date on a slip of paper was a genuine shock. But we worked really hard, and I figured a lot out, and they put supports in place- and told me that I could come back if I needed a place to be in case I felt like that again.

So today I'm feeling really worn out, but I spent last night in my own bed, and submitted an essay of mine to a call for submissions for recognizing and promoting undergrad work at my university- hopefully a way of building a future.

But I'm really good. I'm still grappling with how close things came, but am impressed that even if I was that far gone, something inside of me took one last desperate stab at living and succeeded.

I haven't really felt like anywhere else to say that.

I'm a little annoyed though. That suicide note is one of the best things I've ever written (and I write both for pleasure and professionally). It's also one of the few things I know I'll never publish anywhere, there is no digital copy. The original got a lot of compliments on being eloquent and beautiful by the psych staff before being put on file, a copy is on the bottom of a desk drawer stapled to a copy of my admission form.

/r/CasualConversation Thread