Well, I guess that your finding out letting people with malicious intent get into your head is a pretty bad thing... Try not to let that happen again.

When I was younger (and I am way, way, way older than you) I had these somewhat unreal expectations of what a man was. Being a man means that yes, sometimes you will be weak, feel shitty and not live up to what you want to be. Thats called just being human, no shame in that.

Trying to be some pillar of strength both physically and mentally is also going to mess you up. Its not attainable, its not real. And thinking you have to be all the time is going to actually wind up hurting you more than you ever might think...

What matters more than being down is the simple fact of getting back up again. Sure, you took a good shot and got laid out cold. When people want to hurt you, they love seeing you laid out, bleeding on the floor and beaten. What you have to do is get back up and keep going on - thats where your real strength as a man will come from. Fuck them, get back up and do better. When you do, and look back, thats where the real strength and real masculinity will come from.

Dont give them the satisfaction of destroying you. Take this all as a lesson learned, learn from it, dont make the same mistakes, get wiser and move on.

Get back to what makes you happy and dont worry what they think. It does not matter. Think about how little this will matter in a few short years...

Also about the journal, do you know that Ernst Hemingway, Teddy Roosevelt and John Kennedy kept journals? Most successful men do, those journals are like the log-book of your life. Its not "gay" in any way, shape or form, its actually a damn god thing to keep.

In short. dont let people fuck with head, go back to what you enjoy doing, go meet some better people, dont let them win, get back up, dust yourself off and with a smile say "fuck em' and do better.

When you do, then you will feel a hell of a lot better.