You have a bit of a pickle on your hands.

To offer a little perspective. I have had people come up to me and accuse me of being racist because I am a) white, b) have turned down a minority for a date, c) dress like an "uppity bitch." I have also been called racist for defending my own race or saying other races can be racist as well.

A lot of white people spend their time defending their "whiteness" and being called "racist" for shit that happened before they were born. Which is really painful, because it sometimes feels like I am not allowed to be proud of my race. White Pride equals KKK members, while black/asian/mexican pride equals Black History Month and Awareness Days.

This is not to say I hold a grudge, it has just happened enough that I get defensive when people use the word racist. It seems to be a trigger word. I am far more content when someone says, "I find that a little offensive, could you not say that around me" instead of "you're a white racist."

Everyone is a little bit racist at times. Even if we don't realize it, we can repeat jokes we heard, or behavior our parents taught us. We won't see it as wrong in our own culture, until someone outside of the group says, "Hey, about that joke..."

So instead of coming at your boyfriend with anger, wait until you are outside of the situation to talk to him. If you call him out in front of his friends, use terms like racist and bigot, and imply he is not a good boyfriend for a joke other people thought was funny... you become a naggy girlfriend out to destroy his fun.

I would give this a few weeks to heal over. I would apologize for your part in the arguments. You do not have to accept his remarks. You do not have to admit you were "sensitive" or "overly critical." You can simply say, "Hey, I didn't communicate in the best way, next time I have an issue I will do my best to talk about it when we have a moment alone."

Then let him get over the anger he has and wait until he is in a better mood. Then, go out for a meal, have a nice date, then when you get home bring up your biggest issue. This will likely take some time to break him of the habit. But if you tell him one thing at a time, spaced out and without a fight breaking out, he will likely learn to change how he words things.