As an adult, I realized all my school anxiety was overstimulation. As an adult it doesn't happen very much because I'm in control of my environment but it still happens. I was way anxious at a party yesterday that I did want to go to but was totally overwhelmed by. I ended up drinking way too much because all I wanted to do was hide in the car away from all these people I didn't know but I had to be there to support my SO. So I got a drink the second I got there and immediately asked to be introduced or at least find out the name of every single person at the party to try and handle the anxiety and said their names in my head a bunch of times but even now only one new name stuck so fuck me for even trying. Anyhow, luckily I'm a funny drunk so that's how I cope but in real life, I don't go out of my comfort zone. I limit my rooms full of peers to three people generally. And if more people come into the room, I excuse myself and come in for 5-10 minute bursts. People apparently like me a lot though so I think I hide how much I fucking dread events with lots of people at.

I have to get married this year and he doesn't want to elope. He wants to have a big wedding with all this family and I just want to get married just the two of us but I gave in and agreed but every time I think about it I have a panic attack and spin out completely. I just wish it was socially acceptable to have sensory issues instead of having to hide a huge part of myself just to do this societally expected thing. I hated my first wedding and forced myself to do it anyway. I'm going to end up having fully fledged anxiety at this second one... Unless I put all the guests behind glass...

I say all this to say: you can edit your surroundings (sometimes), you can cope by editing yourself temporarily (through strategies, substances, etc. But it'll be temporary and exhausting), or you can accept yourself as you are and embrace how you function and how you are happy.

But I'm a nearly middle aged adult still struggling with this, so what do I know.