How can I make my crush fall in love with me?

Hey a question I am actually qualified to answer this because I say I am! So first you need to rent a swimming pool or borrow one from a friend, or pay attention to when your neighbors have drained it for cleaning, preferrably after they have scrubbed it (having all the pool residue cleaned out beforehand would make this extra perfect). Next fill it to the brim with tomatoes, after all those are often referred to as "love apples" (or "pomme d'amour" in french, the second most romantic language). These might be procured from the same neighbor or a different one, depending on which of them grows tomatoes. I'm sure you're wondering if they should be firm or soft, and the answer is both, some of each, some hard enough to really leave a lasting impression if approached at a high enough velocity (some rocks painted red might work too) and some squelchy ones to cover up the blood.

Next is the hard part, you can either ask her to come over ("my neighbors crops are ready for picking, they have run out of tomatoes but their strawberries are delicious!"/ "have you ever seen a swimming pool full of tomatoes?") Or trick her into coming over ("hey I think I saw your missing purse in my neighbors tomato filled swimming pool").

Once she's there invite her to come check out the "love apples" filled swimming pool and "accidentally" orchestrate a situation where you both fall in, for instance you could release all of your neighbors chickens and goats and whoops! In you both go! And that night you can sleep well knowing you have made your crush fall in love with you. If hoping to maintain a relationship after this point I have found it imperative that your crush not also be your neighbor.

/r/shittyaskscience Thread