Lately, I feel I've been searching for this enlightenment thing for nothing, like enlightenment is literally the realisation of nothing. No angels in the sky, no god to save you, no other better you and most of all no better way to get thought this hell of a life. I see my mental chatter, my emotional reactions. I try to stay neutral toward it but I really can't do anything anyway. In the past I tried to fight back in different ways it ended worse. I can even understand my self-hatred. That's ok the emotions needs to be expressed and no matter what there is good reasons to be so angry at myself. It's ok, I can look at myself in the mirror. At least it doesn't have to amplitude it used to have, thoughts loose their grip a little.
Sometimes I think the "I" that I feel, the "I" first person sensation view will disappear. I look if there's is anything between the void and this 'I' sensation but I know it's searching for nothing. I wonder if thinking that isn't not a form of metaphysical suicide. I fooled myself believing this "I" attachment would disappear one day with a special event or something. There have been strong events in the past which resulted in this situation today. I don't need no more of this but who knows what life has in reserve. I don't see any way out this situation. I'm wounded but strong, kind like a ugly, distorted but resistant small tree. I know this body will not give up yet. I'm more concerned with the fact that nothing will change and my life and I continue to be a rageful/painful one. All being said I may have to start from zero again.
I'm sorry for the rant but it feel good at least to talk freely.

I've you have any idea or intuition about this, I listen. Thanks