Pt 4.
I left college with a girlfriend I was deeply in love with. In retrospect we we're head over heels for each other likely because we had the same degree of mental illness. I spent the first couple months of the relationship reassuring her I was there for her. She was so terrified of me leaving during this period that she would steal razor blades from the lab we worked in and keep them in her desk. Or she would stash scissors somewhere in her room. She told me she used to cut. I was really scared about this but I kept it together, removed any of these items I found, and eventually it passed and we could begin to truly enjoy each other.
We graduated and she moved back to her home state. Her mental illness got better. I wasn't even aware of mine. We got into different professional programs, conflict began to occur due conflict over handling long distance logistics. My mother initially promised full support of our relationship because she was really into my gf, but she backed out on her word and I had to delay plans, change plans, cancel plans.
On my birthday, just a couple months after our two year anniversary, I called my girlfriend to tell her I finally got the go ahead to see her. She told me not to bother, it wasn't worth it anymore, we were breaking up, and my mom had too much control over my life. This was what really unearthed my BPD. I made desperate moves, I blew up and split on my closest friends, and I felt a soul sucking emptiness that lasted for two years. I knew I was in a bad state so despite being an empty his, I forced myself to go to events and study and miraculously I managed to pass my classes and exams.
I'm in my mid twenties right now in a very rigorous professional program. I learned a lot starting in college. I suffered too due to poor socialization and BPD. I graduated college and was able to get into the competitive program I'm in now, but sabotaged all my college relationships along the way. Some of them were really deep friendships and I just blew up on them for things I took out of proportion. A couple of them have forgiven me but it's clear things will never be the same, like they're keeping me at arm's length, and why bother with this crazy when they have busy lives and new, exciting friends wherever they are in the country