I've thought about suicide quite a bit. I used to care deeply about a lot of things. But I find as time goes on I can't be bothered. It's just noise. I want to do it, but I can't bring myself to do it. Mostly because my family and I are really close. They're the only things left in this world that have any meaning to me. I don't care if I'm successful or not. Whether I'm rich or poor. In a relationship or not. Mostly, I care about the well being of my sister and my mom. They're amazing people and I don't want to hurt them. But there are days where I wish they would disown me or hate me... So I can just be done with it. So that that last thread would finally be cut.
It's been easy to keep attached to that thread. Mostly because as my mom got older she needed me more and my sister had went through a stroke. They needed me constantly and it gave me purpose. But, lately, they've both gotten much better. My sister is completely independent and doing wonderfully and my mom... she literally defied all odds and is healthier today than she's been in the last 20 years... I'm genuinely happy for both of them, but I'm terrified... because I have no idea what to do... This compounded with my initial stance is difficult to process. But for now, I guess I just try not to think about it... I just try to find ways to fill my time with entertainment... but I know that's not going to work for much longer... I've found myself lately unable to enjoy the things I've always enjoyed...
Just want to thank everyone for this thread... Sometimes it helps to know that other people think the same things...