It is 2 sided because we both never feel heard. But the problem is that I can’t usually stop when he says stop, and that if it gets brought up later and I try to say my intention/meaning/perspective, he still doesn’t assimilate it. He tells me that he knows what he experienced and I can’t gaslight him into thinking he didn’t experience what he just experienced.
Like yesterday we were troubleshooting a new electronic device. I was learning everything new as we went along trying to figure it out. So as he’s trying to find the answers, I’m trying to help with a limited range of knowledge to use in my search for info.
So I’m trying to suggest this, suggest that, and it began to annoy him which I could feel but thought it was frustration just from the tech stuff not me.
I read him something and he said frustratedly, “yeah, how do I do that?” So I googled it and tried offering him a result. I showed him and it wasn’t it, so I tried to search something else but at that time he had kind of found the answer but because I don’t know about this shit, I didn’t know he kind of found the answer. But he’s mad because apparently he was telling me he figured it out and I just didn’t fully tune in that he got the answer mostly.
So I showed him something else and he was mad, “Stop. Can you just stop” and I was a little shocked because he told me to google it and I was trying to show results. He said “I have the answer and you’re not listening to me.” I think he also thought I was trying to show him the same thing again and again, when I had different results to show him.
So I started damage repair, apologizing and trying to explain that I wasn’t showing him the same thing, I’m sorry for frustrating you, I’m trying to help, and as I’m explaining all of this he keeps saying “Okay stop then. Okay then stop now.” I didn’t feel validated so I kept pushing.
Then he goes to the other room and i follow him in, still trying to talk because disconnection feels like death and being misunderstood is intolerable.
I will be clear that I do think I am on the spectrum, I am 27 and we have been together for 4+ years.