Try not to talk to yourself Iike this ❤️ I know it’s hard to do, but this self abuse is the norm. You don’t need to perpetuate what they did by continuing it. Try to realize these thought patterns were implanted in you by virtue of being around someone so unstable and unsafe.
You didn’t deserve to be treated this way. Abusers are good at projecting bc they’re CONVINCED of their truth and not at all open to any other versions. Why do you think that is? If they were open to any version that didn’t fit the image they cling to, they would feel the intense shame of how they’ve really behaved. They need to stay away from that, and do a good job of deflecting and projecting so that you hold their views and doubt your own.
The way you were treated is a reflection of THEM, not you. They were stupid bc they lost someone of value. All you lost was their illusion.
You were NOT stupid to long for love and connection. This is HUMAN. It’s also human to stay w an abuser bc our biology bonds us to others, especially in trauma. Our body produces more chemical cocktails to keep us bonded to ensure we are not isolated or alone in trauma. This is why war veterans feel like outsiders when they return home. They felt closer to their troops in battle. The problem in modern day is that our body doesn’t know the difference between predatory people and natural disasters. Our central nervous system simply becomes hyper vigilant and oxytocin and other hormones are pumped out to keep up bonded to the abuser. Our minds then get clever and develop cognitive dissonance to make the situation seem less painful and difficult than it is. If we feel this bond (oxytocin) to an abuser, but they’re treating you like a stain on their shoe, your mind struggles to rectify the situation internally. It’s a veritable mess.
Please don’t blame yourself, you’re human and you wanted to love and feel loved. Hopefully this situation will clarify what safety and needs you want in a relationship so that you’ll know what to avoid and get out sooner.
It’s helped me to repeat to myself:
I’m working to separate my need for love and connection with my need for my abuser.
The truth is an abuser was never going to provide the love and connection we all NEED as human beings. They’re the ones that should be sorry and beating themselves up. They will always be alone in their impenetrable egocentric bubble.
Hang in there. I know it hurts. Allow the hurt, validate it, don’t shame it for existing. You’re ok, you’re going to get through this.