This is exactly me. But I get crying mad instead of just mad so I look pathetic and disgusting to him once if he does see my swollen eyes. I get excited to give him a blow job and he doesn't touch me at all. It's always at night lights off, and this is every other month if I'm lucky and only because he woke up randomly horny. Makes me feel worse at times because I know it wasn't me in his dreams that got him in the mood. My stomach twists in frustrated anger and pain when I'm rejected to give him a blow job. Worse when he gets mad at me. Or when I see other couples being so open and comfortable with each other. I even feel dirty making sexual jokes with him. It's funny when he makes them but when I do it's ignored or I get an awkward "..ok". He gets upset at me for being boring, not able to be spontaneous with conversations, or at least have friends. I lived isolated all my life. My mother never showed love to me, she would get jealous if my father gave me and my little brothers attention and he was so pussy-whipped he would bow to her shittyness. I don't know how to make friends or conversation. I don't even know how to communicate with my brothers now ad adults. He knows this, my past, my ex-husband that mentally broke me down even further. So yeah, his rejection hits harder than it should. I'm 34 he's 39. He blamed his age, or his past, or my past with my ex (I went back to my ex-husband a handful of times because of how well trained I was so he's disgusted of any sex I might have had with my ex). My depression and lack of control over it I have is unattractive. My lack of confidence is disgusting I've been told. My own mother found me ugly so I don't know where I'm supposed to grow this confidence. All the people in my life that have said the words "I love you" have mentioned my looks or personality to be unattractive.

All I can do is swallow the pain or rarely vent like I am now. This place helps. Hearing others find a way makes me happy. I know I don't have the strength or knowledge on how to fix this, but it gives me comfort and happiness when I hear someone else find a way to fix their relationship or a way out.

I hope you find your way soon. I give you my biggest and awkward (but sincerest) hug.