Same. If I fail once, shame on me forever. I don't like going through hard or painful moments to reach something the great people just have naturally. It feels so unfair!
When I used to have therapy for depression and anxiety, the therapist once asked me to start looking up while walking, and on the same day I did. From my college to the bus stop, I looked up, and when I reached my bus stop (7 minutes later), I started crying. I didn't enjoy it. It was too much, I felt like I was suffocating ... so I bought food (I eat when I'm sad/happy/whatever emotion) and took the bus, crying. Good thing I got one of those individual seats, and my hair was in the way of my face. Only a couple of people noticed me.
Whoa while writing this, I'm starting to tear up. I really miss home. I don't mean home as in where I sleep, I mean my city. I remember crying in a café, again, and for some reason it felt comforting to cry there. No one approached me or anything, a few people did notice me, but it was the only place I've ever been to where crying felt okay.
I want to go back to my city just for that café and how good it made me feel through some difficult times of my life. And it's not even that special of a café. It's small, always crowded, you always have hipsters hogging the seats with their MacBooks, drinking an espresso or cappuccino or munching on a sandwich with ingredients you didn't know existed. They always played underground rock, the owners were always loudly laughing, in contrast to half the costumers who were students, therefore studying or working. Some stayed there for a couple of minutes to grab a quick snack, others stayed for hours. It was magic. Especially at night, when the rush settles down, and the few costumers that were left were those who would leave at closing time. The owners were so friendly and welcoming, though I never really had conversations with them. Just the usual "Hi, I'd like to order the ...". Yet, in those short minutes, they welcomed me with their smiles and their spirits. It felt great.
I started college in August of 2013, and I would go there twice a week to escape. Then, from January 2014, I only got to go there once a week. From Summer to the Winter, I went there only a handful of time, but I stayed there until closing time twice. Those were the best moments. No rush at all, only maybe five to ten people, and it was quiet. Pitch black outside, only a few cars driving by (the café is in the hipster neighbourhood of my home city, so besides the main streets, you see more bicycles or pedestrians around town).
I wish I was capable of sharing these moments with a someone. Well, scratch that. I did share those moments with people. Two, actually. People it took me 9 years to consider friends. Somehow, they were patience and didn't mind my asocial self. They didn't mind how quiet or odd I was, they just roll with it. I am so thankful for them, I really am. However I can't feel the need to be around them or to explicitly miss them. Though again, I wish I could share these moments with a special someone. I had one person I considered special in my life, but they're being distant.
Sorry I'm rambling. Guess who needs a snack.