My husband and I dreamed of a big family. We thought 4 kids would be great. We had a hard time conceiving but we finally got pregnant with our first boy after two years of trying.

My pregnancy went beautifully. No nausea or any typical pregnancy stuff. Just tired and sleepy. We had a rough delivery. My cervix didn't dilate enough for me to give birth naturally. We had some complications, meconium in the womb, fever and infection, so they decided to get my boy via c section.

Everything went well. My boy and I had to take antibiotics afterwards. Nothing special. He reached every milestone on time, babbled a lot, great sleeper, great eater, happy little boy.

At 15 months I noticed something odd about his behavior. Nothing I could put my finger on, but my gut feeling told me there was something odd.

At 18 months, he was put on EI because he was saying anything, saying hi/goodbye.

He was just diagnosed with mild ASD. He's a two year old with the brain of a 9 month old. While it's true that no one knows what the future holds, I'm feeling very sad. Every time I see him, I feel disappointed and depressed. Especially if he's around other kids his age, he's the one laughing at a twig on his hand while other kids are calling their mommas and imitating their parents. My son doesn't know who I am or what I am, sometimes he doesn't even notice me.

I'm heartbroken and I feel guilty for bringing him into this world like this. To make things worse, I got pregnant too fast right after my son was born. I have a girl who's exactly a year younger. I'm just waiting for her now. I'm trying to be positive she'll turn out okay. If she doesn't, then, I already feel like a failure.

Anyways, my husband and I might consider the idea of adopting a baby if our daughter turns out to be autistic as well. Cause if she does, we obviously have bad genes. We still would like a big family, we have lots of love to give, I'd love to be called "mom" someday.