Oh god here goes. Today my best friend (who also happens to be my roommate) of 17 years wanted to introduce me to his girlfriend (Stacy) of two months who was flying in from studying abroad in Shanghai. I agreed that it was a great idea and suggested that we all go hang out at the local flea market by my house. It was a fun day, we walked around looking at some pretty cool antiques and when it came around to lunchtime, I decided to order fried chicken from a food cart. I felt fine for the first two hours. By the time we got home I was feeling a little bit queasy so I decided to go lie down for a bit. My best friend and his girl decided to cuddle on the living room couch. I fell asleep and about two hours later I woke up with these insanely painful cramps along with nausea and an urgent need to poop. I quickly rushed out of my room heading for the bathroom when all of a sudden I tripped over the hdmi cable my best friend and his gf were using to watch TV and stumbled a good three feet before my ass landed on top of Stacy's face (who fell asleep on the floor Bc of jet lag; WHY WAS SHE ON THE FLOOR THOUGH). As my ass touched her face, I involuntarily lost control of my sphincter which held the army of feces that now I let loose. To make matters worse, I was so shocked and mortified that I couldn't even move and so I sat with my sht on her face while she helplessly squirmed and screamed into my ass and sht filled white-turned brown boxer briefs that was now suffocating her. After about three seconds I dashed into the bathroom and proceeded to vomit and sht all over the sink and bathtub. So as of now, I'm lying on the bathroom the bathroom floor in pain and shame all the while listening to poor Stacy's sobbing in the living room.