It may not be “spiritual” but I just got tired of other people telling me how to live my life. When I came out as gay in college I had the gay community encouraging me, my family telling me I was confused, and others putting me down. I developed a bit of a narcissistic asshole personality but the one good thing that came from it as I stopped caring what others thought, especially when two groups wanted two completely separate things from me. I remember listening to Billy Joel’s “My Life” and Ricky Nelson’s “Garden Party” and they pretty much summed up how I felt at that time. The more I seemed to validate myself and my feelings, and realized how harmoniously they vibed with my inner being the more sure I became I had made the right decision. I also felt, and still feel, that the ones judging me will need me more than I will ever need them, especially in terms of validation. I still have an ego, and freely admit it, and don’t try to hide behind what I perceive as false humility in others who seem to take Pride in their “lack” of ego, mine can be on full display like a peacock spreading its feathers with no eff’s given.

I had a secret joy in my late teens into early 20s of deliberately confusing other’s perceptions of me too. Someone at school made fun of my accent (sounding a bit southern) so I used my school address to get a driver’s license with a Beverly Hills address on it, along with checkbook. It worked in terms of them treating me better. I later bought a nice car, decent clothes (dockers & Hawaiian shirts, my thing) and would wear things like a fake Rolex. It was interesting to see how people’s opinions changed, and only those closest to me were aware of the deception. As a writer I started letting my fiction spill over into my social life, creating believable fantasies that others bought into to shape who they thought I was. I don’t regret it, because I chose that experience, but it shows just how easily people can be fooled by shiny objects. I had a few instances later in life where I encountered these same people and they brought up some lie from the past, and I was like “huh, what?” because I had forgotten about it, and I even had one person go off on me because I had “such a good life and didn’t know what it meant to be poor” when I literally grew up dirt poor. I was like, perhaps I’m too good at portraying this persona! As an empath, I am now careful because that ability to manipulate is still there, and if anything I try to go the opposite direction, wear torn, comfortable clothes, old sandals, etc. But the confidence is still there, and I can tell in how people look at and speak to me.

I shed the narcissism and rudeness as I grew older because, interestingly enough, I could care less about it. It was a tool, useful at the time. I’ve still had more than one person say “you turn all eyes toward you when you enter a room”. That’s because I don’t care, need, nor require their validation, and that confidence (I call it indifference on my part) seems to attract more attention.

Live your life how you see fit, and to hell what others think. I’ve gone through many phases trying to find myself. Nerd, people pleaser, goth, preppy, corporate drone (etc) and finally found what I’m comfortable with. If someone tries to insult me I simply thank them and go about my day. It’s this apathy or shield that just doesn’t care. It can sometimes be tough with family, but I learned to say exactly what’s on my mind even if they’re offended by it because it stems from me speaking the truth from my core being and their reaction is on them, not me. It wasn’t until I was in my early 30s that I was completely comfortable with it, so it’s a gradual process.