How did you leave when you couldn’t “just leave?”

Lots of good advice here. I left after we had a house together. We were engaged. I said yes even though I knew I didnt love him anymore. It didnt occur to me to live for myself.

He was emotionally abusive and my life revolved around his happiness. I couldn't imagine hurting him. I stopped thinking about myself as a person. I stopped believing I could be happy... or maybe forgot what happiness felt like.

We worked at the same place and at some point he was fired (not uncommon in his history). This break during the day was pivotal. I started finding myself in those hours apart. I stopped taking his calls during the day and focused on my work. I derived satisfaction and self worth from it.

At some point I realized I need to make a choice. Stay and live this life which meant I stopped both of us from finding people who truly loved them. Or leave.

I was afraid. What if I was alone for the rest of my life? I decided I was okay with that.

I felt guilty. I was the only one working and felt guilty "kicking him while he was down." But then I realized he didnt care he was unemployed and he'd been fired from multiple jobs.

I was really in debt. Underwater in the house, and in loans. I could afford half the mortgage and a small place but really nothing else. I decided I would hunker down in a rental and face foreclosure and bankruptcy to get through when he refused to leave and refused to sell and refused to have roommates.

I packed my essentials and anything that was sentimental into my car and stored a few things af a trustworthy friends. He didnt even notice. I practiced what I was going to say. I took a week off of work. I went home, took my earrings and loose clothing off in case it got physical. I asked to talk, said my piece worh keys in hands, and left.

I drove for hours barely seeing the road through my tears. I called someone to stay with them after I left. I turned off my cell and emailed my friends I was safe. Then I didn't turn my phone or access my email for the next few days. I got my space. I realized this was not a life I wanted to go back to. I braced myself and called. I told him I didnt love him and wouldn't come back. We needed to figure out the house and assets.

I deleted all of the emails and voice mail and texts hed sent - never read one of them. I stayed on friends couches and in cheap hotels for a few weeks. I found a new job out of state. I found a lawyer. It was messy. It was awful. But I never regretted it. The way he behaved toward me after it all, while I gave him everything he wanted except my dog, reinforced my decision. I felt numb.

10 years later I have never once, even for a moment, regretted my decision. I tried to leave multiple times but always went back. One day i was just done. I didnt act on it for weeks but I knew. I was emotionally distant as I steeled myself. I would go back and do a lot of the legal stuff differently to better protect myself while still being fair. But I would never change my decision.

I never saw him after the day I walked out. We arranged alternate times to close on things. I brought my very large friend to make me feel safe. I asked my friends for help. That was hard too but not one person even hesitated to help.

Trust your heart and when your heart hesitates go back to your mind. Make a list of Why to remind yourself. Look at it every time you hesitate. Lean on your friends and family. They love you. Anyone who suggests you go back walk away from. Seek that support until you can support yourself.

I promise you that your life can be amazing. It is so hard to understand the full impact of your abuse until you are years removed. You deserve more. There is more awaiting for you. The time is when you're ready. Stay safe. Stay strong.

/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide Thread