My father has had a drinking problem ever since I can remember. In fact, one of my first memories is hiding from him at night when he was drinking. He was abusive. I remember constant fighting at home, when he was trying to push my mum down the stairs, and I remember the day we moved in secret from him while he was out drinking.

I was only four and obviously, as a child of that age I didn't really understand the situation, but the older I got, the more I understood. Due to financial issues, my mum couldn't spend much time with me and my brother, well, he's a lot older. I was the annoying little sister for him. I didn't have many friends, and frankly, I found it hard to make any. So I've always been quite lonely.

Until the age of 9 when I met 2 girls online. At first, everything was okay, we talked on skype, I finally had friends. The problem was that they were really jealous: jealous of my youtube channel and moviestarplanet account (I know, cringe). So one day, they tricked me into giving them my password and email to my youtube channel and deleted it. What they didn't know was that it was my only hobby. I had nothing other than that. I forgave them, but the whole situation made them grow really close and so I was ever more left out than I was before.

One day, the older one decided she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. I was quite dependent in a way on those 2 girls, I really had no one else, and so whenever they would say that, I practically begged them not to leave me. So this time, they used a different strategy. The older one pretended she killed herself. She sent me photos of her "cuts", even showed me them on skype and jumped out of the window with her camera on. I didn't know she lived on a groud floor, so I just sat there, thinking my friend had just killed herself (I found a month after she didn't, she just hated me that much)

And so I was completely alone. The other friend wouldn't even reply to me. I had no one and that was the first time I got my own suicidal thoughts. Quickly after, I began cutting with various objects: scissors, knives, whatever I could get my hands on. It didn't help that there was lots of other things going on in my life.

I'll be 16 in about a week and to be honest, I still want to die. I'm planning to kill myself on my birthday. I cannot think of a good thing that has happend in my life, like ever. At this point I'm just a burden on people. I don't ever tell anyone about my issues because when they find out, they leave me. No one needs more problems and no one needs me.