How did your parents fuck you up?

Fuck it, why not.

Went on a river float with a huge group of people. I know them through my mom's boyfriend. His family, friends, etc. Parents, kids, young adults, blah blah blah. The idea is to load up a few beer coolers, inflate an inner-tube around them, then inflate some more tubes for people to ride on. Drive up the river in the back of a moving van, disembark, hop in the tubes, float down the river while drinking. Ends up with a party when you get back to the camp-site. Good times.

So there's this chick. Real cute. Like, holy shit, this chick is cute, know what I mean? She's single. I'm single. Her friend is trying to play match-maker. Her friend has asked my mom's boyfriend about me. They both think it's a good idea, because I've been single for a while at that point.

We're all at the camp after the float having a good bbq party. Notice the friend and Hotty McCutey have come over to "our" side of the camp area to chat and mingle. I'm slapping at mosquitoes, and I notice they are slapping at the mosquitoes too.


Ask my mom, quiet and sly, "Hey, where's that nice bug spray stuff you brought?" She had some of that stuff that wasn't Off. More like a lotion in a spritz bottle. Skin-soft? I dunno. Smelled good, and skeeters hate it.

Mom gets all excited and goes and gets the spray, insists I spray her down. Insists I rub it on her arms and shoulders. Then she insists on spraying me down. Rubs it all over my arms and legs and neck and shit like I'm a toddler. The whole time, I'm urgently whispering, "Mom, it's cool, I'm fine, just give me the bottle."

She laughs and tells me to close my eyes so she can spritz some in my face.

She's chattering the entire fucking time, non-stop, about how much she hates mosquitoes, how much she loves this spray, blah blah fucking blah. Loud too, 'cuz she's had too much chardonnay.

She spritzes me in the face and says, "okay", so I open my eyes just as she spritzes one more time. Gets the stuff right in one of my eyes.

Feel the burn.

This feels like it never ends. I'm standing to the side of a huge crowd of people I hardly know, with a bloodshot and weeping eye, and my mom laughing while she rubs my face, apologizing and recounting how she used to do the same thing with sunscreen when I was an iddle widdle boy at the beach. It took an entire half hour for her to stop and shut the fuck up. I belatedly grab the bottle she had placed on a table, and turn to offer it to Hotty McCutey.

She's walking away with her friend.

A few months later, we're all invited to a Fourth of July party with a number of mom's boyfriend's family/friends. Hotty McCutey is there too. I get up to go grab some more beer (politely offered to grab extra for whoever wanted some), and when I come back Hotty is sitting in my chair. Next to my mom. Who is talking to her. Asking her all about who she is, what she is studying in college, etc etc etc. Mom, of course, has had too much chardonnay, and talks the poor girl's ear off for a good 45 minutes, covering every single item of small-talk that you can think of, with me, sitting off to the side thinking, "Great, what the fuck am I supposed to talk to her about now that she hasn't just fucking said in front of me."

I sit there in dejected silence.

Hotty finally gets up to leave.

I nod and say, "Have a good one."

Later, mom asks me, "Why didn't you talk to her? I think she came over to talk to you, you know."

She's been doing shit like this my whole life and doesn't understand how people are ever embarrassed by their parents. Like, doesn't fucking understand it at all. Doesn't understand the concept of not dancing to the music in a damn restaurant. Gets mad when you don't join in. She will go on talking forever about highly personal information with complete strangers. Have you ever asked a person, in public, about their [insert something that isn't really polite to talk about, especially in anything other than a whisper]? Yeah, she does that shit.

She still doesn't get why I never tried to get friends to come over to my house after school. Wonders why hardly bother trying to make friends at all. Wonders why I don't want to go to social events at all, let alone with her.

tl;dr: Got cock-blocked, twice, by my oblivious mom.

/r/AskReddit Thread