Fucked but I'll share

When I went to elementary school my older brother had social problems (on the spectrum), consequently he was bulled. So "John" and his friends used to pick on him pretty bad. When they saw me (3 grades behind) it was kinda "Oh there's his brother." We didn't cross paths super often but I got beat up in a bathroom and it carried on into middle school. One time when I was in 7th grade john beat the shit out of me in the hallway pretty much in front of everyone.

In high school he left me alone and did show me mercy, The real kicker is years later I join the Army. I'm exponentially tougher/leaner than my former self (not to mention now bigger than him) I see him in passing in college, but coming back I was kind of having some mental health problems and I think he sort of blamed himself in how I turned out. We even had a class together where we worked in the same group, we're talking weird. I didn't say anything, was just kind of my stand offish self, but he did make a genuine effort to be friendly.

Fast Forward a few more years I'm working in human services. I cross paths with him the last time, he's a client, addicted to heroin and currently homeless and again we recognize each other. Within in that same month he was dead from a heroin overdose.

I guess I wish I could just tell him that I'm sorry and I never would've wished that on him.