tldr: I learned I could change the direction of my life’s path with help from some wise people and the tools they gave me. I now have access to emotions and insight that formerly didn’t exist. But a problem occurred. I've opened a Pandora’s box of childhood and marital experiences that I'm told has been highly abusive, emotionally neglectful, immensely destructive and can be labeled as complex trauma. And when I bravely peek into that box, my eyes well up and my nose crinkles, and then nothing. I lose access to the emotion but not the insight. I stand there puzzling at my observation: “hmm? that looks unpleasant or cruel and I get it that my younger self was coping and doing the best he could. I wonder how other people would view my experience? How would they feel? And what if I didn’t lock up, how might I feel?
The long: A friend of mine stopped over yesterday. He has been very supportive throughout my divorce from a 14-year marriage and was asking about my present condition. My ex-wife and I met in 2000, married in 02 and the decree was filed in Feb 2016. Throughout this past year, I’ve transitioned from the hopes and dreams surrounding the concept of trusting your spouse and anticipating a healthy life together, into a middle-aged divorced man trying to understand how I got to here.
I told him that everything I’ve been learning about myself, in a men’s therapy group (weekly since Oct, 2015) and a men’s Al-Anon group (weekly since 2012), has allowed me to look at a part of my life that I don’t much mention. I described to him the details surrounding my 1st divorce ending a marriage from 1989 to 1998. He said it would have killed him.
Another friend of mine happens to be an expert and an educator in the field of Domestic Abuse. She also is on a board that examines domestic fatalities. Last year while I was clearing out an excess of marital acquisitions, this friend warmed herself by the bonfire while curiously reviewing the entire 5 banker box collection of 1st divorce documents. “Ugh! She’s awful,” was chanted periodically just prior to her tossing it in the flames.
Later yesterday, I called this friend with a question: “If I am to believe that my 1st divorce with custody dispute is not the universal experience everyone has during the breakup of a relationship, then where does my experience fall on the spectrum of…severity? is there a spectrum? How would someone else have reacted?”
I then said to her: “On Tuesday in therapy group, a guy was talking about his divorce and how painful it is for him, how he feels so rejected, etc. WTF? I've been listening to him for a few months and he has no bleeping idea how wonderful he has it with all the amicable resolutions and the respectful ending of their marriage. It’s like listening to a trust fund baby complaining about stock prices.” “And yes of course I can see my displaced anger coming out at him.”
Her reply to me was: “It was very, very, very, very bad.” “And all divorce is painful and comes with a sense of failure and loss. But what happened to you was terrible. And what she's done to your son is terrible.” (My son was born in 1991, is now 26 and doing well for the most part.)
I replied with: “Yes but my experience is nothing in comparison to the tragic stories you hear at your job.”
My statement above is how I coped during the experience. I just kept saying: at least...blank… and …blank… isn’t happening and I am so thankful for... blank… because in the end, that's what is important.
Her reply: “Yes. Exactly like the stories I've heard.”
Me: “