Some tough love here: sounds like you're not terminally anything. You're mobile and young and presumably still somewhat physically healthy. You're the one consigning yourself to your "fate" of never leaving the house. For what? If nothing matters to you and you think you're doomed regardless, why not go outside more and try things that scare you or make you uncomfortable? I say this as someone who is also very anxious engaging with people and consequently became quite negative for a while. Thinking in such rigid and prescriptive terms is only hurting you.

I have spent several years in a somewhat similar (isolated and suicidal) place. At that point, I had to start really, really small and focus on things that were both healthier habits and had immediate payoff. Dieting for weight loss is such a long term thing that it wasn't making me feel better quickly enough for me to stick to it without some rather negative motivators (hating my body, etc) The best option here for me was exercise. What makes you feel just a tiny bit better immediately or in a couple days? If nothing right now, what's worked in the past? Running (or anything that seriously raises my heart rate) gets my anxiety in check and makes the rest of the day go more smoothly, personally. Another thing for me is to take a couple hours and go somewhere new, like a tourist in my own city/state.

I know it all takes energy. But I assume you're not sitting in one spot all day staring at a wall. Whatever you're spending energy on now, how much of it can you redirect somewhere healthier and productive that is still comforting? How do you feel most neglected recently? Do you feel like you've seen nothing new for a while? Can you take a road trip and go hiking somewhere to remedy that? Do you feel like you can't relate to anyone around you? Can you find some new music or podcasts that will help you feel less alone? Do you think no one knows how you feel? You seem very articulate - have you tried creative writing and posting it somewhere you can get feedback? Are you dealing with body aches? Can you work on that with something like yoga or swimming? Can you walk to a store instead of driving? Is all the food you're eating pretty boring and unhealthy? Can you prep a new meal from scratch instead of getting takeout? Try one new high-energy thing a day and build from there, imo. Take note of what builds on itself and leaves you in a better mood with more energy-that's your route to a happier life and easier weight loss. Also, if you don't like the idea of therapy, id suggest reading into CBT yourself and taking it seriously. Make a good faith effort to question your own beliefs about who you are, where you're headed, what you have to offer and what the next couple years could look like for you if you change a few things. Reflect, hold yourself accountable, and do your best to change what you know isn't working for you.

Re:not wanting cliched advice, that's gotta come from you. You have to find out what you need yourself, the rest of us are throwing darts at a board (unless you get a decent therapist who builds a rapport with you and helps you get insight.) for that, you have to want to change. You need to find some tiny sliver of anything good in your life and help it grow. You have to engage with more positive thoughts and ideas even if you haven't in years and it's the last thing you want to do. Fwiw, I'm glad you're writing here-it sounds like you're still trying to me. You're in pain but you want to change, even if you think rn you're basically in solitary confinement. You've already previously successfully lost more weight than a lot of us ever have, which is extremely admirable; it speaks to your discipline and capacity for change.

I've also been very socially isolated at points and hated it. The only way out for me was to slowly keep working at a social safety net. You have to put it together yourself but I promise you are worth no less than anyone else on the planet. Even if there's no one around to remind you of that. I hope you hear me when I tell you you're doing better than you think and that you have a place among other people as much as anyone else. One thing that helps me is to remember that I evaluate other people on their behavior (particularly towards me), not some one-time judgment on their /inner worth/, and that it takes a lot before I ever judge someone else a fraction as harshly as I do myself. Furthermore, I don't actually evaluate people based on how much they preemptively hate themselves or beat themselves up-if they screw me over, I'm unhappy with them regardless. Self hate doesn't make you a better person and imo is completely besides the point of whatever you need to do to show up in a relationship. It's unproductive, so you may as well let it go rather than try to justify it. Not clicking with a few-or most-people you meet doesn't reflect negatively on you, that's the case for most people and you should keep looking for the ones that do get you and make you feel better. You have so much time. You deserve to explore the world, grow and change, and live your own life as much as anyone else. Take care. I hope something in that rambling mess makes you feel less alone and more capable of tackling some sort of change, with or without therapy.