You're having a crisis of narcissism.

The old mentality, based on belief and self centered thinking (aka spirituality), is at war with objective reality. What you see and what you "believe" don't match. Perfectly healthy. Painful when you are going through it, but ultimately you'll see its just a lot of self-serving, theatrical bullshit.

People generally seek validation of their egocentric beliefs from the agreement of others. This is why people pick churches & friends that flatter their ego (agreeing with what they already thought). They will change beliefs only if the new thinking is more self serving. This is just human nature and is actually really good for survival for most.

Thinking rationally and objectively has more to do with personality types than intelligence (despite the desire to make it an ego thing). Either you are wired to find peace in rational thought or not.

You are holding onto the idea of finding deep meaningful, all encompassing TRUTH only because you were told that was the source of answers and a sign of a good person. Your view of "right & good" is still very Christian and spiritual (vague, irrational, and narcissistic).

However, your rational side rejects and destroys those beliefs almost instantly. This leaves you stuck.

You need to replace the old JW/spiritual/other-people-are-right value system with one based on how the world actually works. The main belief you must replace as soon as possible is that you (or others) decide the nature of the outside world. In other words, realize that the outside world exists independent of you. To win, you must learn and accept the rules that you have no control over.

Sounds simple and obvious, but its a much bigger question that we realize.

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