I have an odd story about blowjob issues.

I think it's a basic, unavoidable fact that many women, or maybe most women, are not attracted to male genitalia in the same way that men are attracted to female bits, whether they have sexual issues or trauma in their past or not.

I struggled with this fact because when I was young and naive I really loved the idea of oral sex from the day I learned that it was possible, that it was something that people did. I fantasized that I would would be with someone who craved to get her face between my legs as badly as I would want to pack lunch and spend the day down there with her.

I assumed, naively, that most women get the same odd, chest-constricting thrill, the same mouth-watering excitement to relish in the taste, smell and sensations of their partner's most intimate areas as I get from savoring the beauty that is the vagina. It was a powerful fantasy for a long time in my youth.

Fast forward to meeting the person that I would fall madly in love with and decide that I would spend the rest of my natural days with. It was very confusing to me that I had to ask for oral, and painful to me when there were times that I was turned down. I did everything to make it pleasurable, from thorough and frequent washing, shaving and grooming, to special diets to make myself taste better, to positive reinforcement and reassurances that she was good at it and I loved it.

Sex was great. She never denied anything I asked for, even blowjobs, but for her personally, having a penis in her mouth wasn't a magical, arousing, loving experience. It was a gross, demeaning feeling and body fluids made her really uncomfortable.

It was one of many world-shattering experiences I would have on my road to adulthood, the idea that there were fantasies that I would have to let go of. That you won't necessarily share the same feelings on everything even with the partner of your dreams. For a while I was very insecure suddenly, realizing that her passions and turn-ons were fundamentally different than mine, and made me doubt my own attractiveness at times. We would watch adult movies together and when it focused on a penis she would say "eww" and fast forward it. She liked the lights out during sex, and preferred to see me with clothes than without. (Just an attraction for certain kinds of suits) I started to accept the idea that male bodies aren't very pleasant, and that I wasn't very attractive on a physical level. And a lot of my feelings of negativity, despite my best efforts to change my own perspective, stemmed from a feeling that my body isn't as attractive to her as her body is to me. I decided that if we were going to grow old happy, then I had to change my feelings, and I had to trace it back and start from the beginning, the oral sex fantasies were a big part of that.

I could still say things that made her toes curl and give her amazing pleasure, but it was hard to always make that effort. If I turned the right knobs and levers, and encouraged a lot of sexual discussion, gave her a lot of oral pleasure, talked about fantasies and kinks, we had periods of highly charged, happy sexuality, but sometimes maintaining that level of enthusiasm can be tiring. My SO was turned on by certain kinds of feelings and thoughts, and for her sex was almost a more "cerebral" experience, but there were times that sometimes I just wanted to fuck, and often when I voiced this need I was rejected. (I didn't really know that sex was often painful for her if she wasn't very aroused.)

So life happens. And changes. Fast forward a decade or so.

Suddenly something clicks in her head. Almost overnight, she has a sexual reawakening. She's reading about sex, looking at porn in the mornings before I wake up and jumping me. We try new positions, new angles, she learns to orgasm in new ways. It was an amazing time, I thought I was dreaming. And then she decides that she wants to suck me. A lot. She knows she has hang-ups and wants to force herself to get past them, and embarks on a self-change program a lot like you describe her, and begins a system of making positive associations with my penis. Even a "reward" system for treating herself to something fun every time she gives me a blowjob.

But there was a problem, because I had already done the opposite. In order to stop feeling frustrated, I developed a program in my own mind to KILL the pleasurable fantasy of receiving oral sex. Every time I thought of it, I forced myself to imagine my partner's disgust, I thought about dark, unhappy things and avoided any pictures, porn or fantasies about blowjobs. It worked. It took nearly a decade but I changed the way I looked at some kinds of sexuality because I didn't want to feel unhappy anymore. I had come to see penis-in-mouth as negative so we could be on the same page together. It might sound odd but it really helped because it allowed me to accept and understand her feelings better, which actually led to me helping her with her new-found sexual awakening.

But now here we are. I wake up every other morning being sucked on. Not bad, right? It actually feels pretty damn nice, and if I imagine it's something else, like regular sex, I can come. But afterwards I feel really weird. Like, sick to my stomach weird. Dirty. Unhappy. I went and broke something inside myself thinking it needed to be broken, now I can't repair it.

That's where I'm at. I'm trying to avoid blowjobs entirely because if I tell her how uncomfortable I get and why, she's going to feel really guilty and I don't want to hurt this new change in her, I want this to be entirely positive because I love her so much, I love the affection, the effort she's putting into making me happy.