Sounds like you’ve been to the wrong therapists, a therapist should guid you into finding out what it is you truly want and not push you one way or the other. I actually have a lot of the same feelings you do, only but my therapist was great totally non judgmental with whatever I decided. In the end I realized that I had a lot of self hatred that I had to confront, and that I hated being male because I felt ugly, and uncomfortable in my own body. But learning to accept myself as who I was currently was the best thing for me. But that doesn’t mean that I still can’t do the things that make me feel pretty, like growing out my hair and shaving/trimming my body hair. I was so nervous that people would notice and make fun of me, but I learned not to care so much what others think (easier said than done).