I have a question, with a small FR to set the stage. (I'm 26, married for 3 years, 2 kids under 3 years old)
However if she is trying to throw you into a qualification loop "yeah, but how is that fair?" - "OK, I get that, but I think it's wrong so tell me how..." - "Yes I know what you're saying but I disagree - you should bla bla bla because bla bla bla so don't bla bla bla" - then you just get the fuck out.
and
Only ever justify your position a maximum of once, "for the sake of the record" - do not be backed into a corner to continually justify yourself. The more you justify, the less powerful you seem.
I fall into this trap too often. She challenges me often on decisions I make, which is to be expected considering I'm relatively new to this and she's not sure what's going on yet. Lets use money management as an example. So we budget slightly differently, and she will suggest alternative ways of handling our finances. I hear her out, say I appreciate her opinion, and that I will take it into consideration. Sometimes I alter my decision, sometimes I don't, depending on what the best logical decision is.
Almost without a fail she tries to call my bluff by lightly accusing me of never taking her advice (which is absolutely not true).
The "qualification loop" you mentioned is hauntingly familiar.
When I shut it down ("I'm not going to discuss this with you anymore"), she assumes I'm getting defensive because I know I'm wrong.
She then laughs at me, seeing me as a stubborn kid who has gotten caught stealing but won't admit it, even though the candy is in his hand.
I would assume the typical advice is "amused mastery" and "outcome independence," but in this case I believe it is actually harming her trust in me because she actually believes I don't know what I'm doing and I'm just being stubborn.But like I said, I'm very comfortable with my decisions (financial and otherwise).
I know I'm the best expert on my relationship because I'm the one living it, and I'm trying not to ask too many questions, but this one has stumped me. TL;DR: When I put an end to her qualification loop, she tells herself that I'm opposing her just to oppose her. How can I avert this?