You're welcome.

You sound very self aware. For what it's worth,I believe there are a LOT of people out there with these sorts of struggles and worse, but they are never forced to address them whereas we are, because of the effects of substance abuse on our lives.

I've been in recovery for 5 years now and I still struggle to sit with myself for long periods of time without my mood and thoughts deteriorating to the point of hopeless depression. About 2 years ago I got sick of other people telling me I shouldn't be feeling like that if I was well, and I should be doing X in order to feel better. I have given my all to life since having treatment. And I have had results. But I still struggle internally. It's just got easier to manage over time and my life has grown around it and in spite of it. I think I believed for a while that things would magically get better at some sudden point and my pain would vanish. But now I accept that unfortunately and for whatever reason (many common explanations fit), it will be there and I have to carry on regardless. And there is also a lot of moments of joy of course. Through the recovery process I have discovered hobbies and interests and a career path that Id never have predicted. I'm sure you will look back in 5 years and be amazed. It just happens so slowly at the time.