This is a complex issue. Hopefully I'm not rambling. There is some good advice in here already.

TL;DR You're too strict, and your husband's plan seems a little too lax. Have boundaries for sure, but not bans and disproportionate consequences. Like most things, the middle ground tends to works best. Your ban on alcohol is frankly unrealistic and extreme, but your husband's "solution" is incomplete and not completely thought through.

In a lot of states, a minor can legally consume alcohol with their parent's consent on a private residence. So no, it wouldn't be automatically illegal. When I was a teen, my friends and I would drink at each other's houses, but all of our parents would know about it in advance and gave their blessings - where I grew up, parents were pretty damn permissive with regards to alcohol. In my state, it's perfectly legal for a minor to consume alcohol with their parent's permission. Oh sure, there would always be an adult supervising, and anyone driving had to hand over their car keys, but nothing we or the adults did was illegal. Check your local laws though.

Now that that's out of the way, do keep in mind that your husband has a (small) point with regards to your own child, but not with the others unless he gets all of the parents to okay it in advance.

Meanwhile a blanket, express ban like what you propose is quite possibly the best way you can guarantee it becomes a forbidden fruit and your teen becomes even more interested in sneaking alcohol. Only it will be behind your back and likely without adult supervision of any kind. And banning her from seeing her friends who try booze?

Good luck with that.

I hate to break it to you, but that would mean your daughter will likely have exactly zero friends she can see. Even the goody too-shoes kids in my high school were experimenting by 16 or 17.

When I was in college, the people who went the most fucking nutso in terms of booze were those whose parents forbade it in their teen years. They never learned their limits with an adult to "guide" them with responsible drinking habits and helping them practice moderation.

The ones who had experience drinking in their high school days (and especially those who had parents/adult figures supervising while doing so) fared much better.

The ones who had none were usually puking or winding up with alcohol poisoning by night's end thanks to binge drinking.

When I was a teen, my parents and older sister (who was over 21 at this time) would let me have an occasional beer, and even get buzzed or a little drunk in the later teen years, but they were there when that happened to slow me down and learn my limits, to give me water between every drink, to teach me about spacing drinks out, to cut me off, and most importantly to let me know that I could always call them if I needed a ride. My parents didn't do a lot right, but they handled booze perfectly. Despite having access to booze since I was 13 in some kind of capacity, I hardly ever even drink now in my 20s because frankly it's boring to me. I know my limits because I quickly learned them by the time I was 19 or so, so there was no more uncharted territory to explore and experiment with.

So no, I don't think an express ban until they're 21 is the way to go. But I also think your husband's plan isn't a good idea unless you have the express permission from your daughter's friends' parents, which is unlikely unless you're all close with each other. It also needs to be complimented with education, an open-door policy, and moderation.

I think the "educate, be understanding, helpful, moderating, and guiding" approach is much more of a winning strategy than either your own "No alcohol ever! Forbid and go to the police!" idea or your husband's laize-faire "policy", because neither of those solutions will actually lead your daughter to have a healthy viewpoint towards alcohol nor will they show her how to drink responsibly. The only thing that will is modeling those responsible behaviors and educating her about making good decisions.