Original Post
I am an active member of a popular website that functions as a network for local, shared-interest groups to facilitate hosting meetings.
Recently, I received the following message from a member (with whom I had never previously interacted) of a group I joined that hosts discussions and workshops regarding sexuality. At no point did I state in my profile, or otherwise, that I was interested in participating in intimate massage with strangers.
While this is an isolated/minor incident, how I chose to respond was a preventive measure. I believe this needs to be part of a broader conversation regarding sexual harassment and appropriate communication/boundaries, at every level of intimacy and across all platforms.
Original Message
Hi b0obn0ob... I find you very attractive. I have a sensual, tantric touch and have been an M.T. for 18 years. Skilled in the art of tantra massage. Would love to offer you a complimentary massage in a safe and warm environment…have another beautiful day in [county]… Enjoy! [name that did not match profile name]- in [city]...[phone number]..my new years gift to you...
My Reply
[name that did not match profile name]:
You are sexually harassing me.
I never asked and do not want to receive offers of or participate in intimate massage with strangers, including you. Your offer has precipitated & reinforced my uncomfortable & unsafe feelings toward (1) being in this group, (2) participating in social forums, online or otherwise, and (3) interacting with individuals, particularly men, that I do not know.
Questions to consider: (1) Would you be comfortable with a stranger offering intimate massage (as you have to me) to your sister, your grandmother, your daughter, your mother or any other important person in your life (particularly, female)? Shift your perspective. (2) Would you be comfortable making the offer of intimate massage to a stranger in front of others? If not, this suggests to me that the environment/circumstances you intend to provide are not safe. (3) When was the last time you feared for your life? For women, particularly (including me), it's every day. And it's because of interactions like this, however benign they may seem to you or others.
My gift to you: most people will find the offer of intimate massage from a stranger to be inappropriate, uncomfortable and unsafe. If it is your goal to participate in intimate massage with strangers, it behooves you to (1) wait for strangers to reach out to you directly after you have publicly advertised, in the appropriate forum, that you offer intimate massage, (2) sequester your communication to only those individuals who have previously & specifically stated that they would like to be offered & participate in intimate massage with strangers and (3) always respect the boundaries set by those you interact with, at every stage of intimacy, from stranger to soulmate.
For more insight, read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.
You and I will not interact with each other further in any way.
My Complaint to the Administrators of the Website upon Blocking Member
[name that did not match profile name] (aka [profile name]) sexually harassed me.
[name that did not match profile name] found me through the [group name] in [city]. I had never interacted with him prior to receiving a private message from him on 2/16 via [website]. After stating that he found me to be "very attractive", he offered complimentary intimate massage in a "warm and safe environment". Nowhere in my main or group profile have I mentioned wanting to be offered or to participate in intimate massage with a stranger. He also included his location and phone number. I took a screenshot of his message with my response, should a record of the incident be required.
It behooves the [website] administrators to monitor or cease this member's activity as he is a liability to the [website] members and organization.
Edit 3: Context, red flags & concerns - (1) he was no longer a member of the group he initially found me through by the time I responded, which may suggest that he received negative feedback from other members as a result of similar interactions or was kicked out (2) he was a member of exclusively sexual/fetish groups, with the exception of 1 group, (3) he used 2 different names, (4) I would no longer feel comfortable attending events I knew he would also attend and (5) that he assumed it was okay to begin a dialogue with a stranger with an offer to meet in a private place for an intimate act.
Edit 1: For your reference: What is Sexual Harassment from the WomenWatch division of the UN. Emphasis on unwelcome behavior.
Edit 2: Other resources - Federal Cyberstalking Laws, article about What The Law Can (and Can't Do) About Online Harassment, article about Why Women Aren't Welcome on the Internet
Edit 4: Within 2 hours of posting this, I have already received messages asking for my age and to exchange nude pictures. Despite ignorance and justification; this behavior is not appropriate, acceptable, wanted, legal (in some cases) or moral.