How to handle the thoughts that you might live the rest of your life alone?

It's depression, which is me turning my anger toward others on myself.

This is one of my many issues (abandonment being the biggest), toxic shame. If my wives treat me like shit, it must be my fault. I can't express my anger healthily (never learned how, I'm getting better at it through counseling though) because I was afraid if I spoke up about my poor treatment, my wife would leave.

Well she would have and wanted to already, I just needed to have that strength to stand up for myself and not accept trash for a partner.

She thought she'd spring into this fun single dating world. All her new bitter old women friends built her up "oh you can do better girl". While most of them were still with these (I feel for them) men that they didn't like but didn't leave. Or they were single fucking losers that no one even wanted.

So I don't even know if she's been on a date yet. 3 months of getting fucked by guys because she didn't have the self esteem to even make them take her out before giving it up wasn't fun I guess. She called me crying about it (like a fucking schmuck I went to console her, because I still loved her). It helped to hear that though and really made me see her for the sad wreck of a child she still is. She did it for another 5-6 month before she stopped "dating" because all the men were "jerks", lmfao.

Good luck to her, I was fucking awesome. The problem is, I was her only real relationship. I'm decent looking, I make a fuckton of money, I'm educated and intelligent, charming, caring, kind, witty, fun, and all kinds of other when I have someone that's kind back to me. When the supposed love of my life treats me like shit though, not surprisingly I become a worse version of myself.

It's taken me over a year of counseling to get to some form of stability. I'm still struggling from day to day. I was doing really well the last 3-4 months of the year but Xmas/New Year's for some reason reopened the wound.

I am bitter, because my mother is a piece of shit. My father is even worse. Because of their horrible treatment I accepted 26 years of shit. I'm working hard on healing that childhood shit but fucking christ is it hard, especially when it's embedded across generations seemingly.

I'm sure my testosterone is fine. My physical drive is there just not the mental. As shit as my ex was, I always wanted the best for her and put her on a pedestal to ignore her shit treatment (thanks mom), she was still my favorite sex partner too. Maybe it was just because I loved her with all I had, but I don't want to have sex with anyone else.

My now ex-gf is a fucking nympho, I'm pretty sure she's a sex addict. I think that was one of the many nails in the coffin with her as well. We were having sex at a rate of 1.3x per day for ~5 months. Physically I can do it, but it really wasn't enjoyable. Plus being a sex toy isn't appealing either.

So I've had a few partners since my ex left, it is gratifying to know I'm good in bed still, lol. In comparison to most men I'm apparently spectacular. Not just the sex part but the whole thing, like I'm always very clean, I smell nice, I make sure to meet their needs first, etc. I guess that's rare.

So good luck to my ex with her losers she can pull. My issue is women, even the good ones, grasping on to me like I'm a life preserver in the middle of the ocean. I'm not looking at going from dinner to long term committed relationship overnight, how about we get to know one another first eh?

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