Actually I wanted to post something like "how do you guys find motivation to do your daily routine?"

for me it's also college and I'm tired of pretending. it's so fake that I just don't want to get out of bed and the only reason I find motivation to for example go to the class is that maybe today I could push harder and fight my insecurities/ocd a little more cuz I have nothing to lose anymore. ex: I singed along my song in public, today. even though I still sweat and just wanted to be dead cuz I couldn't enjoy it and I was worried about ppl's opinion

I have anxiety pretty much the whole day that is due to my ocd and I'm not in any meds. for example, most of the things I wanna do start with this thought in my mind: what will he/she think... and this shitty illness forces me to become anxious, sweat and think about whatever depressive thought that comes to my mind: I won't ever be able to be calm, etc.

sometimes I ignore it so life is more bearable but the other times, I get caught up with my ocd and get depressed and angry so hard that I want to kill myself at that exact moment.