How do you ladies deal with female social hierarchies [25-35 F]? I [28F] struggle to engage with them and it is costing me friendships.

It might be useful for you to look into ways to frame this behaviour in your own mind so it’s not as triggering to you and develop techniques for dealing with it.

Yes! This is exactly what I was hoping for when I wrote the post. Thanks so much for the help.

One thing that can be helpful to you can be to recognise that other people don’t find it as bothersome as you, and therefor you don’t need to worry about them when such dynamics are in effect, try to protect them, or pity them.

This is a great point. I was the oldest of three siblings, and my role was the protector in my family. I absolutely get up in arms when people dominate others because it reminds me of my mom abusing my sibs as kids. I had never really considered that this response might be exacerbating a dynamic that isn't actually bugging the people being dominated. I'm also hyper aware of not doing this to others accidentally, which is probably an additional stressor that I don't need to be carrying around in an already stressful situation.

Their intent is probably actually to bond with you. It’s a common way for people to bond and become closer, by doing things together as a group, and they are trying to facilitate that. That means that when you are refusing to engage in whatever they are trying to push the group into doing, to them it comes across as you rejecting the group and getting closer to them. That might be way they are acting suspicious and rejecting you, because your behaviour is coming across as you are rejecting them first.

Again, this is an awesome point that is well phrased. A few other commenters have mentioned similar things in less direct ways, so it seems to be a common thread. This explanation also rings true based on the myriad dynamics I've seen evolve. I think my challenge will be to find a way to gently and positively set the important boundaries without putting a 'rejection' vibe out there. Which is very much a solvable problem, so thank you. I guess I don't have much experience with enjoying going along with groups because I've mostly avoided them, so the confirmation that people are trying to 'enforce bonding' is helpful. I generally don't feel bonded to groups, just individuals, so I have usually seen them as a necessary evil....but even as I type that I realise it isn't completely true. This has given me so much to consider and integrate.

To be clear, I don't gossip or react verbally to things in a negative way, but I'm sure people can sense my withdrawal, discomfort, and suspicion. Which probably makes slightly dominating people even more likely to try to control my behavior, because it makes them feel threatened. This is making so much more sense now.

Thank you again!

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