Yep, my mum has BPD, maybe NPD too. She was neglectful, selfish and at times cruel but growing up I literally thought she was the best mother in the world. I suppose all kids do. I think this is where my sense of shame came from. I always thought the way I was treated was my fault. She would have extreme emotional reactions to normal behaviour, never spent any time playing or listening to us. Silent treatments. Humiliated me when in public. I learned to walk on eggshells and mould my personality to whatever she needed at the time. I've tried talking to her about it (I keep hoping I can save her from herself. Partly because that's what I'm used to doing, partly because I keep wishing she could be a real mother to me) but she deflects/guilt trips/blames other people for everything.

My family is full of personality disorders. My two grandmothers are/were probably NPD. Better than everyone else just by dint of existing and very little empathy for anyone else. My uncle is possibly the most vile person I've ever met. He molested me when I was a pre-teen and I have vague memories of stuff happening before that but no-one did anything about it. He managed to manipulate his way into getting all the inheritance from his mother too. My dad meant well but is very emotionally detached. Step-dad is a massive douche.

They're super fucked up and I thought that everyone in the world was the same. Deep down, I've always suspected everyone I meet will be like one of my family members. They're the archetypes. Is this person a creep like my uncle? Or are they manipulative like my mum? Or are they engrossed by their own greatness like my grandma? I grew up preparing myself for a world that was much harsher and illogical than the one I've ended up facing. And now I need to learn how to be less afraid. As is it, one of my problems is that I don't attract the healthy people in the world but the dangerous people into my life because they can sense that I'm primed for them.