I can understand what it's like,the day I got back my prep school results and even though it was better than the last time and enough to qualify for a good college,they still told me that I'll never get through in life with this score.I told them that they appreciate me and they told me the exact same thing you were told "we're the only ones telling you the cold harsh truth about yourself",the day was a new low for me.

I've tried surrounding myself with positive people too and for a time the good results were evident,the problem is there aren't many people I have to surround myself with,there was a friend I had,we used to write poetry for each other,console each other on our problems,motivate each other and she ghosts me suddenly 3 months ago because she has her own set of issues to deal with,there's no one to talk to now and that's the only reason I decided to reach out here.

I tried to find ways to express myself,mad bucket lists,wrote a diary,only for them to find it later and confront me on how I can't write anything that potrays them "wrongly" even for just myself.

It's not that I didn't like medicine,I always wanted to be a doctor,there was a time when I thought of nothing else,there used to be an AIIMS-D and an AFMC poster up on my wall.I tore them both down a few months ago after I realized how even my greatest of dreams was eroding away.I still aspire to be in those colleges,someday,but the desire is too suppressed under all the lament and frustration to express itself.My eyes have dark circles now from the months of erosion and it's not because I don't sleep well,half a year ago these same eyes had ambitions not dark circles. Can't express myself through tears because in my father's words either I'm being over-dramatic or emotionally-weak which I'm not allowed to do being a guy. I've tried to get back up multiple times but everytime bad memories and taunts come to haunt me back again,try and cry but tears don't come out as if I've been programmed that way.I thought I needed a push from someone and it needed to be a positive one,but then again, who's there to help me up,my best friend disappeared for no reason and hasn't reached out to me since, and obviously,I'm not allowed to leave the house to meet someone since it's a sin to when exams are just lingering over my head. Tried reaching out to an uncle I have,parents just convinced him that I was trying to escape "the harsh realities of life". Even if I can still do it,I can't really do it alone,the problem is I think I am alone in this one.