As someone with a similar background I can tell you it never really goes away. The self loathing and the desire to be smaller is always in the back of my mind. There are things that help to minimize the feelings but I’ve come to the realization I’m always going to care A LOT about that number on the scale and on the clothes tag.

So to answer your question: I attempt to control my diet 24/7. Even when I am not keeping a food diary and actively counting calories I still know exactly how many I’m consuming. How does someone look at meal and not do the calorie math in their head before they take that first bite? I wish I knew.

Now, for what it’s worth, I’ve been pretty “successful”. My weight doesn’t fluctuate much. But when I think about all I could have accomplished with the brain power I dedicated to my body size over the last 30 years I am deeply ashamed. I hope you are able to get to the point in your recovery where you truly are capable of relinquishing control. Where you can be like the majority of people in the world who don’t equate “getting fat” with a fate worse than death. I’m not sure I’ll ever get there.