Oh my god almost entirely. I was never very attractive to begin with, and I have zero jaw line. But I could always kind of hold my own. I had style. Then I got depressed, gained 30 pounds, and physically I got nothing going for me. I'm not doing well career-wise, education-wise, and mental-health wise. I feel like Roald Dahl's 'The Twits', in that all the bad thoughts in my head, and all the slumps my life is going through, is being reflected in my looks. So every time I look into a mirror, it's like a physical reminder of my worthlessness in society. I honestly feel like an ogre trying to fake their way in a civilized, positivity-centric world.

I know logically that's not true. But depression (which I am being treated for) likes to take a bite out of rationality. I still get up every day, I still put a smile on my face, I don't blame anybody but myself for my problems (although I do notice society treats you lesser). There are some positives about my low self-esteem, interestingly enough. I feel stripped of judgements. I listen to more people. I don't dismiss others. I have three supermodel gorgeous friends, Europeans and all in gender studies. You'd think that liberal-minded acceptance-touting women would actually be accepting, but really quite the opposite. They're very confident women, but very critical of others. If a friend of theirs gains weight, it's a national tragedy. Cellulite? A damn shame. I on the hand have completely lost the ability to notice other people's physical changes or issues. I just notice mine.

With all that said - I'm very well educated. I am talented in some respects. I have some skills I'm proud of. I can see outside of myself in the larger context of the world, so I don't know why it is that my looks have such an impact on my world-perspective. I have 7 siblings, who are all beautiful and talented. I was with a few of my siblings the other day, and my brother introduced me to a friend, and that friend looked at all of us and then at me and said "really?" And you could see the difference of treatment in how he talked to me and the rest of my siblings. This was my entire childhood. So I suppose this was socialized into me when I was young.