Hey there, I’m also male, I’m 21. Damn this is a difficult box of worms to open... I was forced to give oral to my “cousin” at 8 years old so I’m familiar with the feelings you have toward your former friend and abuser. I personally haven’t ever told a soul about this. My mom is deceased and never really raised me but the aunt who raised me was borderline narcissistic throughout my childhood however she’s fully recovered and redeemed herself so I promise you this, a narcissist can recover all they need is to actually realize their mistakes. This can only be accomplished by them feeling loneliness to the highest degree, they have to be isolated for awhile before they’ll see the light. Anyways, I feel the molestation takes control if you don’t have a similar (lack of better term) experience with the opposite sex soon after, which I’ll assume you didn’t as you turned to sex for drugs (not judging OMG) and coming out to yourself. The thing is being molested by a male as a male, it’s hard to break the lingering thoughts of it and I believe we have to try extra hard to pursue relationships with females. Your first sexual encounter has a profound impact on how you view the 2 genders and if it happens before puberty (when the rest of our peers finally get around to thinking of sex)it complicates things because we’re already accustomed to that first experience. And it feels like apart of us wants to feel “that way” again. The only way to get past this is to gain experience with the girls and accepting our personality for what it is. Maybe you won’t be into traditionally masculine things yknow? But I mean it’s great that you are accepting of yourself as a gay man, and if you truly are then you’ve just got it a little easier because let me tell you a healthy amount of gay men are very understanding of traumas in another’s life. Girls who want you sexually just don’t understand things like that. And don’t worry about your past hustles, believe me when I say you’re not alone in that regard and some very successful people have done sleazier things. I wish you wouldn’t look at yourself as a whore, I myself only wish I could meet partners at such a rapid pace. You simply learned that survival was important in life and that only YOU would really take care of your needs at a younger age than most. I’m sorry those fuckers took advantage of you as a young one basically crying for help but YOU ARE NOT A WHORE OR BAD PERSON OP. You’re fucking strong, and that will help you on this road to recovery!!! My heart goes out to you, just know there’s people you can talk to.