How to not let it get to you when SO turns down sex?

I'm this way with my wife (I have the higher drive). It took us years to figure out how to talk openly about it. At first we fucked like constantly for two years, and did all kinds of crazy stuff. Then suddenly it was constant rejection, like there was a point where nearly six months went by and we only fooled around once or twice, and then she would get mad at me for looking at porn. I actually took this to heart and didn't look at porn at all for maybe 2 or 3 years, all while she was withholding sex. I literally just jerked off into the toilet for like two years while we had sex maybe 10 times. I'm actually a little surprised we made it through that but I loved everything else about her.

Eventually she went to therapy and uncovered some trauma, which has weirdly helped. Also, I got her a Hitachi which helped like nothing else. She's still not very sexually... Adventurous? Sometimes during foreplay it will take her ages (like sometimes 30-45 mins of cuddling) to eventually work her way to my dick and I'll have to literally ask her to touch it. I've expressed to her that I want to feel desired and I want her to want my dick and shell say, 'well, I didn't want to get your hopes up in case we don't have sex.' Like, what? We came in the bedroom to have sex - why are you looking for an out?? Thankfully in the last few years she's started figuring it out, she talks dirty sometimes and tries new things. She does masturbate on her own now but doesn't ever look at porn or really express that she has dirty thoughts unless we're in the middle of fooling around, and I've tried to express that it's okay to be a little bit of a pervert in day to day life, but it's like she just doesn't go there. Sometimes I would say something dirty to her and she'll just sit there looking at pictures of dogs on Facebook.

We finally found a pretty good rhythm which is sex on weekends (sometimes twice!) And I just stopped feeling guilty about relying on porn othertimes, and she stopped being bothered by it. We even look at it together sometimes.

So anyway. Idk. I relate to you. You can make it work. You just have to communicate a lot and express that rejection does hurt your feelings, but figure out how to talk to each other about it. There will probably be tears.

/r/sex Thread