So, I wouldn’t say I pushed my husband, but at one point I did feel self-conscious about whether or not I was pushing him (he says no) so I’ll share my story for what it’s worth.

My husband and I were together for almost 10 years before we got married. The decision to “settle down” and move in took us a long time, but we were both on the same page about that.

When it came to marriage specifically, I felt like I was ready before him, and I felt like I had more of a timeline in mind than he did. We talked about this a lot leading up to marriage, but it turns out I had never really explained how important it was to me and that there was a timeframe in which I’d hoped it would happen. Every time we talked about it, and even when it came to looking at rings and stuff, he didn’t seem opposed to any of it - but he also didn’t start the conversation. So, I’d thought I was pushing. It came to feel like maybe marriage would never be on the table for us, and I hit the point where I thought maybe that would never be something he wanted and that I’d have to see if that was something I’d be okay with. I was sad about it, but I realized I wanted to be with him anyway and marriage wasn’t as important as the relationship and commitment we had. Meanwhile, it turned out that he seemed so noncommittal at the time because he’d already come up with the plan for how to propose, and he still wanted it to be a surprise.... then when I seemed to think he’d never propose, he didn’t know what to say without “giving things away.” And a few months later, we did get engaged.

I don’t mean to share this to make people think an engagement might still happen if they feel like they’ve been pushing or waiting for a long time... but more to drive home that even when you think you’re communicating things clearly, you might not be. He says that he made the decision he would marry me years before we even moved in. And because he’d made that decision, he didn’t feel like a wedding had to be at any particular point, because it would “always be something that would happen.” I’d assumed he understood that I had hoped it would be within a particular timeline, but I never clearly conveyed that so he didn’t know I was waiting for something and being disappointed.

I guess the point of this is to say that really clear and specific communication can be helpful, and not pushing. But if you feel like you have to FORCE something to happen, it isn’t going to work out for anyone. Also, be kind and understanding with one another, and with yourself.