I wish I knew a hard and fast answer to give you, I also so wish I could give you a hug because it makes my heart ache to know you're hurting. :( It does get better, little by little, the damage done to you was done over a loooong time there are a lot of nails holding that board in place. So it's going to take a lot of little moments of trust and understanding before you see any real results.
It's so hard and I stumbled for a long time at first(and continue to stumble); I put my faith in the wrong people and became a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. Luckily for me the lesson only left me with grazing scars.
Thinking back to my turning point I think I did two things. I recognized that I had been hard wired to seek out relationships where the balance of power was out of wack. And I would dismiss or not pursue friendships/relationships with people that made me feel safe. I had to acknowledge that I had a bit of a broken compass. So the next time I wanted to blow off a nice person I had met I would catch myself and make a point of hanging out with them.
That proved a very very VERY good idea. and I am so grateful everyday I made that change when I did.
Because even though it started out slowly, the drama and passive aggressive BS in my life slowly started to drift away. I noticed that I slowly started letting my guard down and trusting people. This is VEERRRYY slow though, but the way I spoke to other people and how they spoke to me just changed the way I approached everything. Like I said I still struggle everyday, it's a life long battle to undo the harm done in formative years but at least I was making ground instead of just trying to keep my head above water.
The second thing I did, was I had to fake it at first. I had to push out the invasive thoughts and identify them as not my own but as fleeting considerations. Or words I had heard the Narc's in my life say. I would replace them with initially scripted thoughts that became more natural. like "He's not angry with you think about when you get upset and frustrated do you blame him? no? so it's ok for him to be angry without it being YOUR fault" or "It's not a big deal that ______ happened, did you do it on purpose or maliciously? no. So take a deep breath you know not to do that next time. No big deal"
"no big deal" is my mantra! if it didn't kill someone it's not the end of the world. My Flea ridden/possibly Ndad was obsessive with his stuff and showed more love and attention to it than to me so if I ate the last muffin I had committed an unforgivable act and must grovel for the next week. Even though this is still a trigger for me and I struggle with even the thought of putting someone else out - I have to remind myself it's not a big deal.
It also helped to let those close to me know how to approach criticism with me as to not unknowingly hit on triggers. So my husband and friends are very sensitive to the fact that I'm defensive and will make sure not to heap on a casual criticism when they know I'm having a bad day. I do also remember going through a faze where I tested my husband's love, and would challenge him demanding that he did in fact hate me for ____. And I started to see that I was hurting him more for demanding he admit something that may or may not be true. At the end of the day who cares. Maybe he did get a bit mad secretly - if he did - he's willing to move past it. Did I intentially hurt him in some way? well then I need to apologize and do better next time. I didn't need to grovel like my dad taught me. And if it was an unintentional slight then I can explain myself and no harm no foul.
I've realized that a lot of my advice still struggles to help YOU specifically believe it and relies a lot on other people. I did recently start journaling to help reduce my negative self talk/thoughts and self evaluation that I do at night. So instead of fixating on all the things i did wrong I try to write down things I have control over changing and how I can change them, and some things I had done well that day.
The changing things I control really helps because instead of thinking to myself "I'm so stupid I did this" I think " I want to do ______ like this tomorrow" I think criticism becomes extra hard to take when your tank is full. If your dad or mom is telling you even a bunch of small things you do wrong throughout the day. Then you're telling yourself all the things you are also doing wrong. When you hear anymore criticism even one more constructive piece you're already at a breaking point. So taking away the constant stream of "you're so terrible" makes hearing "hey you can do this differently" a little easier to hear.
And remind yourself daily doing something bad does not make you a bad person. It's so messed up that the passive aggressive manipulation makes trust so hard. But in the end, it's not a big deal, respect people and take them at their word and if they are manipulating you and holding things against you, then your broken compass has led you to someone far too similar to your parents and you need to reevaluate that relationship.
oh man I hope this helps. So long winded but it's so wonderful to finally have that moment of self assurance, and I wish that for you so very much. Making you second guess yourself is the key tool for a N. to manipulate you. Finding yourself and being able to trust is so worth the long road.