I’ve struggled to put this into words, but I completely understand. I was dealing with depression when we met and had just started Wellbutrin and switched to Vyvanse. I was constantly anxious on Vyvanse and I think it amplified the compulsive behaviors I’m already prone to. I can’t blame it all on that, of course. I think I was legitimately delusional bc of how strong my feelings were and how great the sex was.

I was justifying a lot of really shitty behavior that bordered on sociopathic after he went no contact and reality sank in. I kept telling him i was better but he was already seeing someone else and I’d freak out when his behavior wouldn’t shift back to how things were.

I’m much better now and can see that I was acting like a psycho. I’m the person I was when we met, not the one going through the withdrawal of my addiction to him and the way he made me feel. I was trying literally anything- throwing it at the wall to see what would stick and bring him back to me.

I will never make the mistake of trying to manipulate someone into loving and caring about me by lying or acting crazy again. I’m so sorry, ashamed, and feel so guilty for how I treated him, even if he had not treated me so well while we were together. I want to go back and undo it all and do things differently but I know I can’t. I can see that he tried to make things easy on me and I insisted upon them being difficult. I can only hope he will forgive me one day enough to have a conversation and move on, promising that I won’t let myself get that carried away again. I’ve never acted like that before.