I would just like the feeling of maybe once, things seem to go happily? Happy is an emotion that is too far and few in between for me. I dissociate through a majority of things just so I dont allow my guard to put myself in this position of getting so hurt. Which is almost worse to do, but it is my only defense mechanism. I have a horrible habit of wanting to cut myself off from the world because its already obvious that no one cares. My sisters have families now and I want the best for my nieces and nephews so I (and my sisters) really do try to give them everything we never had. They dont even know about our parents because we dont discuss it with them. I really hate feeling like my life is being made or broken based off of my cptsd. So perfectly like you said, just wanting to know what it feels like to not have been traumatized so deeply that it hinders your personal growth forward.