Through the years, I never once felt anything even close to pleasure during sex. If it didn't hurt, it just felt mechanical. Like, I could just feel it moving in and out. I never got any pleasure from oral or manual stimulation, either. I don't really have a libido. Sometimes, I do, and I'll try to masturbate, but porn/erotica just makes me cry because I can't believe what I am watching/reading. My body can't get into it because it knows it doesn't feel like that; it only hurts. I'm scared I'll never have an orgasm, or that I'll never even enjoy sex. I am fearing that I am defective. I fear that I ruined myself by starting too young, and I fear that I'm getting too old to reconcile whatever situation is going on.

This part of what you said really spoke to me. I don't think I'm qualified to give you advice about it, but I can tell you you're not alone. At best I find sex unpleasant and at worst it's down right painful. And I know how hard it can be to talk about that with a partner when there's so much pressure to just enjoy whatever they're doing to you. It wears you down physically and emotionally.

I know it can be hard to get all of that out of your head when you pleasure yourself, but try not to psych yourself out. Your thoughts and emotions are just as important to the experience as the physical aspect. Having never enjoyed sex with another person I can still enjoy my own company. Vaginal intercourse isn't the yardstick for sexual pleasure. If you don't like porn or erotica don't use them. It's that simple. Just do what you're comfortable with. Maybe try imagining a scenario you would find pleasurable instead?