Do you know other asexuals irl? The exact thing you are talking about (enjoying kink and kissing but being disinterested in sex) is basically my deal, and before I'd met any other asexuals, I had a really hard time reconciling it (particularly because my kink 'libido' is very high). Meeting other asexuals who shared my interests and disinterests is what made it all click. Once I realized I wasn't the only one, I was able to understand my identity and start articulating my interests to others.
Previously, I'd had a real rough time in relationships. I would enjoy the majority of what we did, but sexual stuff filled me with a ton of anxiety -- it was just SO clear that my partner was feeling something I wasn't, and I constantly wondered what was wrong with me. Once I came into my own, though, I started feeling comfortable telling play partners "I'm not really interested in genitals stuff" -- I was shocked by how many people just shrugged and didn't think it was a problem.
People don't always believe me when I say I'm asexual, because I'm flirty, kinky and aggressive. As a result, I was unwilling to disclose my interests to partners, which led to some awkwardly mismatched encounters. Learning to unapologetically articulate what I wanted out of a relationship was really important. The same people I'd had weird, bad hookups with in the past were more than happy to accommodate me and my interests. Sex was just another kink I was willing to do for someone else, but not interested in myself.
I guess what I'm saying is, I feel like I've been there, and it fucking sucked, but am not there anymore maybe? Reconciling my interests was all about realizing my identity was valid, and that telling people about it wasn't some enormous deal breaker. I feel like Dan Savage and the internet make it sound like meeting an asexual in the dating world is this horrible kind of entrapment. But I've been surprised to discover that even sexuals can find it refreshing to focus on things other than sex.
I don't know if any of that is helpful. If you think it would help to talk about this sort of thing, you're welcome to message me.