Yeah I was genuinely shitty for a long time. Not consistently but would have insecure meltdowns, sometimes many weeks in a row were bad. Still he said he wanted me to get better and stop treating him as I was and that he wanted to stay together. He hasn't been perfect through it all either but I didn't appreciate the way he used to be before he becam resentful and bitter and cruel to me.
He didn't want to leave. I actually offered him $4,000 at one point so he could leave and he told me never to show him that money again and that he wasn't some problem I could buy away. Was furious I "dared to shove money in his face and essentially tell him to fuck off".
That was all my money and I don't have that much any more. He did end up actually asking for it at one point and I don't have it anymore to give him.
He said weeks ago that he is going to leave in October when he gets his settlement money. That is a long time away so I want proper validation skills and communication skills to stave off fights and not rock the boat.
However I do feel somewhat manipulated. I used to have a victim complex and now I struggle with trying not to feel like I'm the victim. But in this situation we are both hurt, and i was fucked up in the past but he's fucked up now.
He is on and off friendly and nice with me and then when things are going well for half a day or a few hours, I dare to tell him that I don't want to add that ingredient to the soup because I don't like the taste. And then he says that I'm invalidating and erasing him by ignoring the fact that he says we won't taste it. And it doesn't matter that I personally always taste it no matter what amount of it is in the meal. I'm invalidating him apparently and "programmed to disagree with everything he wants to do".
I used to be unwilling to try new things and I'm sure it was not very fun at all. But I've done what he wants basically without fail when it comes to meals, going out to where he wants to go, etc. And he doesn't recognize it and seems he feels it's not enough.
I'll say the phrase "I know I used to do/be xyz but I've changed" and because he's traumatized by years of unhealthy patterns, he doesn't see my change and will tell me I haven't. Or if something mild happened (like in the past it would be me blowing up to 100% upset and now in the present it's me trying to express how I feel hurt and what he did was not okay with me), he says I haven't changed at all.
What he wanted for years has happened, I have changed and become calmer, nicer, more validating, more willing to try new things, go places, do meals exactly as he wants etc, and it means nothing.
This is why I tell him "I understand how you feel and it makes sense that you feel that way after years of xyz" and he still feels invalidated.