really tired of my family rn and i dont have any way to let my stress out (the only thing i have is drawing but i cant stop comparing myself so even thats ruined). just tired of my mom playing favorites with my brother and her openly being rude to me. i just wish i had time away from her but she refuses to work and because im homeschooled and cant drive i cant leave the house. the only time i have away from her is when she goes grocery shopping once a week. i want to see my dad because he works during the week and on saturdays and stays at a hotel but this week he couldnt come. also wish i had parents who supported me and encouraged me to do stuff instead of "teasing me" to the point of tears. i just ordered a ukulele online and my mom asked me why i wanted to even start becuase it was pointless. a while ago i wanted to buy paint with my own money that i got from doing chores (im 14 and as much as i want a job no places near me hire 14 year olds) and she said it was a dumb thing to waste my money on. been dealing with unhappiness with my body because i started gaining weight and my thighs are a bit thicker and from wbat i understand thats whats arractive which makes me happy but with that it seems like my figure isnt as curvy as i thought it was and im just starting to look heavier. also been dealing with self harm and i broke my clean streak that ive had since january. im finally feeling the effects of not having any real friends irl (as much as i love my online friends they only temporarily stop my loneliness) and homecoming was last night and everyone put videos on instagram and snapchat about it and it made me a bit sad. i asked my mom if i could go and she said if i want to go to homecoming so bad why dont i go back to normal public school. the other day she argued with me and tried to tell me i was happier at my old school which just isnt true. my anxiety was at its peak before and i was still lonely but now i can wear whatever i want without being insecure. usually i try to sleep until i feel better but ive gotten a severe fear of millipedes and centipedes and i have nightmares most of the time i try to sleep about them so im scared to fall asleep. my mom also isnt really getting off my back and she comes into my room every 5 seconds to tell me dumb stuff i dont care about (she came in literally while i was typing this to tell me my dog farted, haha its funny because dog fart XD) and whenever i act uninterested she says if i keep being rude im gonna pick myself up off the ground (shes going to hit me) and it stresses me out that im gonna react wrong and shes going to get angry. she also is kind of critical about my appereance (ive been struggling witb acne since i was 11 but rn i have it under control and im happy with my face somewhat but now i worry about my other features). she asks me a lot about how i think about the oral medication for my face is and if i like it she points out minor spots before i even notice them. i mouthed off to ber one time about it and said that im a teenager, its natural for my face not to be 100% clear and she said it was just her looking out for me but it really isnt. the other features im insecure about is my height, im taller than most girls i know who are my age or older (im 5'5ish) and it bums me out because it seems like most guys want shorter girls. also a few of my online friends pointed out my nose is a bit wide and i mess with it a lot to try to slim it down some (i squeeze it a lot in the mirror) and i realized how unattractively pale i am because im ginger. also want a better dad because mine yells at me a bit. we got in an argument in the car the other night about my doctor diagnosed ocd and how i want them to either spend some freaking money on therapy or put me on meds but he argued with me about my ocd and said its a made up thing that the government is using to limit my ability to buy guns despite me being 14 and unable to buy guns whether im on medicatuon or not. he never takes anythint like that seriously and it hurts when i trey to uave a serious conversation about stuff like that and he says something stupid and ruins it. i also really really really crave someone to say something personally complimenting to me and not just "i dont know who you are but i know you are amazing xoxoxo" because as nice as jt is it really doesnt help that much. i just want a hug and someone to tell me something nice about me specifcially but it just seems like wishful thinking. sorry for the long ass comment but today hasnt been that great and i dont like talking to my friends because i make them sad and ruin their moods