how do i stop being a manipulative victim

I don’t know if you’re spiritual but the best advice I’ve taken on this issue is to come to know myself and what I can't and cannot handle From a philosophical standpoint this advises that we should strive to focus on the good in ourselves and reduce the influence that others who judge and label us and their affect on our emotions.

You experience a lot of pain which you can use or be used by, indubitably. Nothing that happened to you happened without a cause creating a painful effect and you playing the blame game is a game of pity. It will take a lots of self examination and and reflection of the inside as well as the outside of your surrounding mental landscape to use your pain as a power instead of your pain using you and making you weak. It's a normal response to a painful situation experience this suffering. You will either see this as a painful lesson learned or succumb to self pity and further become victimized at your own hand instead of someone else's.

The first woman I respected and had a great fondness for was also a survivor or a traumatic and painful relationship with someone not to different from what you're describing. I don’t think she let the pain keep her in a victimization loop and see the world and everyone in it as potential predators because two things she said I'll never forget was that “If I wouldn't have experienced this, processed, and been made the wiser, I wouldn't have been able to see these types of manipulators and maybe something worse could have happened if I'd let my pain blind my logic”. Unfortunately this world is never in short supply of extremely cunning, dangerous predators but her experience and analysis gave her mind a new filter that was able to spot predator males who seem charming, offer to help and seek out "victims" who are vulnerable emotionally and after the "charm" wears off; it's too late. They're back in the same scenario. This means that right now you may want to consider not letting strangers lurking on the internet you have no idea what they're capable of doing, and knowing you're emotionally vulnerable charm you with a "conman's lullaby" and express contrived , orchestrated, methodically scripted "help" in a clever plot to pull you in. These wolves, predators of the internet may never satisfaction from the games they play. It was seemingly bold of you to "let it all out" in a public forum but understand it's like a fish having escaped a fisherman's hook but bleeding in the ocean and crying for help as sharks circle in smelling the fresh blood of vulnerability and easy prey. All there is left is our reflection on our pain, knowing ourselves to the point of what got ourselves into a situation and using that as knowledge instead of furthering the pain by not acknowledging that somewhere, deep inside, there was something that knew what was going to happen but we were ignorant but it doesn't have to continue with self knowledge which keeps life moving forward. You witnessed the way your mother was unable to process her pain and realize her subconscious draw with to predatory men. You’ve observed how you sabotaged a relationship and creating your own victimhood. It is very real the lack of self knowledge and unawareness of your emotional mind's method of operation, the root psychological cause of your need to suffer in the world. Focusing on what you did rather than what he did is where it starts. The pain in life actually creates stronger minds if the pain is processed and it's pathology determined and a plan of action instead of a cyclic loop of reaction continues. The past is a good reminder of how to deal with the future and the future doesn't become yours until you own it and release yourself from the bondage that the pain of the past may have given you-if the pain isn't processed and you continue to be in a constant state of being a victim the loop will continue forever. We have our past to learn from in the present moment. The time we give ourselves in this life is up to us and I can't say that I deeply regret how your time has been abused by people who should have loved and protected you because I'd be lying; I don't know you but I am aware of your situation and others who not stopped the cycle of abuse and victimhood and kept falling prey to "strangers with candy" offering flowery verbiage and charming words of feaux kindness as all predatory, cunning manipulators do.

/r/selfhelp Thread