Welcome franticantelope. I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences, and how it's affecting you. Thanks for coming here.

I echo the other posters, professional help is probably your best way forward. I get from your posts that you don't trust therapists or other people with this, and I completely understand that - it's so hard to break that shell once it's built. I do encourage you to find a way, find someone you can talk to and make the effort. It's hard and terrifying and brutal and so, so worth it. Please get help.

I don't have a cozy relationship with my parents either. They're great people, we just don't talk about the messy parts of life. So I can understand your reluctance to talk to them about your darkest problems. I found closer connections outside of my immediate family - my husband, a close friend, a good counselor. Right now that has to be your first and only priority - getting your supports in place, whoever they may be. If you can include your parents in that circle then great, but if not, fine. Worry about that later.

If and when you do tell your parents, they will have their own personal painful journey to take. But speaking as a parent, I'd walk that dark road a thousand times if it meant supporting my daughter. Only you can judge if your parents have your best interests at heart, but I'm hoping they do. I hope they are a resource you can draw on. If you think they can help you should absolutely approach them, when you are ready. I know I experienced so much heartache when I learned of my daughter's abuse, the thought that she felt so alone and didn't share that with me. I never wanted her to suffer alone, I'm betting your parents don't want that for you either.

Can you ask for assistance to get counseling without going in to details? Could you let them know that you are struggling and working through something but aren't ready to talk about it yet? Perhaps if you can approach them without specifics you can gauge their level of support before baring the open wounds.

Please keep talking to us, either in the sub or by PM. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers on the internet than your own family :-)